我把这称为“语言完美主义”,我们看Nana,她的行为和语言是统一,但其实Nana本身并不这么觉得,因为我们无法知晓她的思维活动,我们只能从对话和表情中推断,Nana对于思维和语言的统一有强烈的“完美主义”。所以在一开始和哲学家对话时,她说:“It's odd. Suddenly I don't know what to say; it often happens to me. I know what I want to say. I think about whether it is what I mean. But when the moment comes to speak, I can't say it.”
say与want to say,对应的就是outside和inside,want to say后面的、在inside妓女身份里面的,才是Nana的identity,才是真正的Nana。这也就是Nana一直在探寻的“自己”。Nana本以为,成为妓女就是已经成就了自身的自由,成为了自己,但是在她在三个男人间忘情地跳舞,看到他们回避冷漠的眼神时,我想Nana是幻灭且怀疑的。所以Nana对表达陷入了虚无的状态,语言也好,内在也好,拨开俄罗斯套娃的Nana并没有达到统一,更多的还是感受到语言和身份对自己的背叛。我们看到,她秉持着强烈的语言、身份与自我的完美要求,于是她说:“Why must one always talk? Often one shouldn't talk, but live in silence. The more one talks, the less words mean.”她将表达与自我的分裂视为一种背叛,就像我前面说的,她对于这两种间富有责任感。这也就是为什么,她在后面提到语言,认为这有冒着说谎的风险。
所以我们只能接受错误,因为在错误中,我们可能只是在追寻但是没有找到合适的语言。“Lies too, are part of our quest. ”在错误中也有追寻真相。
后门Nana和哲学家又谈到关于爱,Nana问哲学家,难道爱不应该是唯一的真相吗,有一句话我大呼认同,“Love would always have to be true. Do you know anyone who knows at once what he loves? No. When you are twenty you don't know. All you know are bits and pieces, you make arbitrary choices.”
这也是我今天跟阳阳说的,爱一直以来应该是、have to be、should be true,这是我们认同的,但是如果我们够敏感,就会发现爱只不过是交杂着虚荣、怜悯、仰慕、似曾相识、感官体验的复杂组合体,我们在说“我爱你”时,包含了很多错误和谎言。而如果接受不了这些错误,我们就会沉默、腼腆。
但是我们必须接受这一点,因为我们要生活。我们是知道的,爱应该是真的,所以在面对这些错误时我们才会更好的深入实践,work、search、solve,行动,去证明和说服自己的爱接近真,“That's why love is a solution, on condition that it is true.”
所以我忽然理解了Nana最后的死亡,这是一种宣告彻底放弃,是对分裂的挣扎,这就是Nana的随心所欲。与前面贞德的死亡如此类似,“God knows our path, but we understand it only at the end of the road!” Nana是自由勇敢的,至少在最后,她还愿意纵身一跃,实现自己,在毁灭也是在重生。